As I sit in deep thought in my time with God, my head in pain, counting down the days till another brain surgery, I feel incredibly weak. But slowly I’m learning that that’s okay, and, in fact, is a good thing.
It’s when we become broken that we can be shaped in a way that glorifies God. When we are weak a strength that only comes from Christ becomes magnified and is a light to those around us. It’s when we become low that we are allowing God to reign in our lives.
I know this point in my life isn’t a mistake. It’s not coincidence. It has a purpose. Though I may not be able to do things I’d like to do right now—like go overseas and help orphans—I can still do my best to honor God in the situation I am in. And really, that is true success.
Oh, how beautiful are the things You have made!
Your voice is great, yet intricate.
Your works are vast, yet precise.
Your art is creative, yet perfect.
What You have made is beyond what the eye can see—
Much is not understood, and even more is yet to be discovered.
Can our minds contain the knowledge of the Lord?
Can a creation have the understanding of it’s Creator?
We cannot fully see His fingerprints,
Let alone grasp His hands.
We struggle to hear His voice,
Let alone fully know the face of the Lord.
Oh Lord, You are my Savior;
You count the number of my days.
You know my every thought and every deed;
Nothing goes unnoticed.
Where can one hide from Your eyes?
Whose voice goes unheard?
Not one surpasses Your understanding;
No man can grasp Your wisdom.
The Lord soars over me as an eagle;
He sees me close and from afar off.
He keeps watch over me;
He sees from where I come and to where I am going.
On the mountain’s top He waits for me;
With a loud voice He calls my name.
He takes me in under the shelter of His wings;
By His instruction I am brought up.
Great rivers flow from the mountain of the Lord;
From His springs my thirst is satisfied.
In the presence of the Lord my strength is renewed;
In His courts my mouth does not run dry.
My God calms my anxious heart;
He sustains my inner being.
He brings peace where the enemy works night and day to start war.
He brings victory where the world fails;
He brings success to the weak so that He may be glorified.
No darkness suppresses the Light of the Lord;
His flame cannot be vanquished.
His Spirit does not grow weary;
No task is too great for the hands of the Lord!
Father, reign in my life.
Take it all.
Help me to die to myself,
to deny myself,
to fully surrender,
to strip myself of any pride remaining,
to let go of any self-reliance.
To love those who hate me,
to forgive those who judge me…
Help me to be more like You.
My heart won’t settle for living for myself. It doesn’t allow me to be satisfied with “normal”…whatever that is. I’m far from being prepared for anything great, and I’m incredibly weak physically—it is not unusual for me to struggle to do an everyday task…yet sometimes I feel like I’m on fire. There’s something burning inside of me that doesn’t allow me to give up, something that makes me keep pressing on. Sometimes it seems as though the more challenging things become the more I move forward. I know it’s from God—He is the fire that is in me. Anything that gets thrown at me quickly becomes engulfed in His flames because nothing can put Him out. I could be too weak to take a breath and still He would be burning inside of me.
I don’t know in detail where it is He’s taking me, and I especially don’t know how—other than by His own capabilities and capabilities that He gives me. As far as when…I believe I am already there. I’ve not completed all the tasks He has for me yet, and they won’t be completed till the day I die, but I’m where I’m supposed to be for now. It is moment by moment and day by day that He will continue to guide me.
If I could only have one hope, one dream, one success—it would be to reach the finish line and hear Him say to me, “Come, you blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to me.” (Matt. 25:34-36)
Lord, You are my hope. The life that is in me. Where would I be without You? Surely I would be no more. My fear would’ve overcome me. My trembling would’ve caused me to fall, my sickness would’ve eaten me through and my perseverance vanished. My patience would’ve ended, and anger would’ve gotten the better of me. Without You I would’ve taken a road that made me lost forever. But instead, because of You, my faith is restored. When I tremble in fear You bring peace to my soul. You set a way for me to go and prepare me for Your calling. You have brought me by Your side and taken me under Your wing. Your love has transcended all fear.
Thank You, Lord, for loving me,
For always holding me near.
When walking with me and talking with me,
You keep me far from fear.
You show me ways that I can grow to be more like You;
You teach me, Lord, that I may know how to love as You do.
You guide me through every stormy night;
You lift me as waters rise.
You keep me on the path that’s right;
You lead me by Your eyes.
You see beyond what I can see,
You know my every need.
You have a plan laid out for me—
Who You’ve created me to be.
You remind me that I’m not an accident,
A failure, or mistake.
Where I am I have been sent,
I am here for others’ sake,
To spread Your love and gift of life amongst the lost and broken,
To bring peace amidst the strife—
Share Your forgiveness of our sin.
To those who are taken aback when I’ve never heard of a particular song, seen a particular movie, or heard of a particular person: Sure, maybe I’ve been sheltered. Sheltered under God, and I don’t mind one bit because there are some things I just don’t need in my life right now that likely would only have a negative impact on me anyway…so why chase after it?
Give me a biography of someone who gave their life for a good cause, not the latest top-novel. I’d rather be filled in on something educational than shameful. I’d rather spend time with my little sister than watch my favorite show on Netflix. I’d rather look for ways to fix problems, not gossip about them. I’d rather build relationships, not watch them fall apart. I’d rather live with a purpose than just wait and see what happens. I’d rather look for ways to bring light into this world instead of drowning in the dark.
It’s God that I want to make sure I stay in tune with. It’s His work I want to focus on. It’s His will I want to follow. It’s His love story I want to share. I want to hang on HIS every word, not my favorite movie star’s.
Okay, rant over—for now anyway… 😉
“If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” -Paul